I cling to the notion that it is simply a change in number, a different digit that I can largely ignore. Yet my mind refuses to escape the cruel reminder that it does amplify the continued passing of time without my son. A truth that continues to feel ever so wrong. In a book I read, Wave by Somali Deraniyagala, she wrote 7 years after her family died, “It’s different now. I know it is true that they are not here. An unfathomable truth, but maybe I am more accustomed to it”. These words ring true, this is what time affords us, space to take in that unfathomable truth. But the familiarity doesn’t cushion me from the weight of yet another upcoming birthday marked by quiet missing and the lighting of one single candle in a jar, instead of nine candles on top of a Lego cake or a Spiderman-cake - what would he like? It doesn't cushion me from his anniversary, which arrives six weeks after his birthday - can it really be that this year will bring eight years without him?
I am reminding myself what I have learned in the years since Ruairí died; that the passing of time holds no meaning when it comes to loving him, and keeping him present. And while familiarity doesn’t cushion me from the pain, when I am deep in the sadness of missing my boy, I know it won’t kill me, as I once thought it surely would. And I know what helps, the simple things I do all the time keep me steady - long walks with my dog, walks and chats with friends, warm coffee in the mornings with my husband (especially if he has made it!), breakfast with my older son who has somehow just turned fifteen - being his Mom is the absolute best, laying on the couch with my dog and cat curled up close by, the support of a great therapist, volunteering (helping others really helps), reading a good book and writing, of course.
This new year has no new resolutions for me, simply a wish to be well, for my family to be well, and to continue to find ways to make a difference in Ruairí’s name.
I hope this coming year brings what you wish for, and for those like me who will never get what we deeply wish for, I wish you ways to keep loving, and living, well.
It’s not easy, but it is possible.
